


Come Back a Changed Man

by AspenOrnillos



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Biotic Shepard (Mass Effect), Chronic Pain, Destroy Ending, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Minor Original Character(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:08:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28187415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AspenOrnillos/pseuds/AspenOrnillos
Summary: The war is over, the Reapers are dead, and somehow, Commander Shepard has survived it all. But learning to live in this new world, and with the decisions he's made may prove to be more painful than the war itself. At least he's got some good friends, and the man he loves by his side.WIP, so rating, tags and warnings are subject to change.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	1. Waking in the Rubble

**Author's Note:**

> I had so many ideas and so many ways to begin this fic, but I had to stop or this thing was never going to be done. But hey, I finally got it started, and now I can finish it. Enjoy!

In the days after the war, picking through the severely damaged Citadel, looking for survivors or counting the dead, proved to a herculean task. But as soon as he could, Major Kaidan Alenko went back to the Citadel Tower, where the Crucible was docked, and where bodies of Admiral Anderson and the Illusive Man were found. 

That familiar chill crept up his spine again as he entered the chamber. Thankfully, the bodies have since been removed, but little else has been touched. Even the trail of Shepard’s blood that went from where Anderson sat, to the part of the floor that was missing was still there. A lump began to form in his throat, but took a deep breath, and now, he debated on going back to the place where Shepard was found. He didn’t get a chance to look around, all he could focus on was getting Shepard out of there. But there was something…strange about it. He remembered that, as he sat with an unconscious Shepard in his arms, there was this feeling of being watched. 

“You ok, Kaidan?” Garrus’s clam voice brought the major back to reality. 

Kaidan swallowed hard, “Yeah, I’m good.” 

“Surprised you’re back here.”

“Me too.” Kaidan looked up to where the platform to the conduits came down. He managed to make out the tiny line that indicated a piece of the ceiling could move. “Guess I’m just trying to see if I can figure out what happened here.”

Garrus nodded, “Same here, but part of me isn’t exactly sure if I want to know what went on here. Especially, since the Illusive Man was here, it can’t be good.”

Kaidan gritted his teeth and balled up his fists, “I’m just sorry I couldn’t kill him myself.”

At that moment, Tali and Liara came into the chamber with Glyph following close behind them.

Kaidan made himself relax and give them a small smile, “Hey, you got Glyph up and running.”

Liara grinned, her chin up and a gleam in her eye, “Yes, and it was incredibly difficult. He’s still missing a few functions, and he still can’t talk, but otherwise, good as new.”

Glyph moved up and down, as if nodding. Or trying to nod.

“Good, maybe he can help me uncover something.” Kaidan made his way to the console, and tapped a few buttons, before a loud click was heard, and the platform began descending. 

“Are you sure you want to do this now, Kaidan?” Tali asked with concern, “Why not wait until Shepard’s awake?”

“I’m sure,” Kaidan gave her a curt nod, and involuntarily pressed his lips together, “and I’d like to not put Shepard through any more stress.”

“Besides, I’m sure the Alliance can’t wait to interrogate him anyway,” Garrus said, arms folded. 

Kaidan let out a hollow chuckle. He remembered how Admiral Mikhailovich pressed him for questions after Shepard was found, as if he would know everything that went down. “Well, everyone ready?” He asked.

They all nodded and crowded on to the platform. As it moved, Tali nearly lost her balance, until Garrus pulled her closer to him. They shared a moment of eye contact, until they realized both Kaidan and Liara were looking at them, and suddenly turned their heads away from each other.

“You know,” Liara said, “you two don’t have to hide it anymore.”

Tali laughed, “Hide what? We’re not hiding anything!”

Kaidan and Liara shared a quick glance, before the asari turned on her omni-tool. “Strange,” she said with a sigh, The Citadel has power again, but I’m detecting no power from above.”

“It was quiet when I came up here.” said Kaidan, “But I had no idea what this place was. Not that I gave myself time to look, my priority was finding Shepard.”

The platform clicked into place, and group stood to take in the view for a moment. It was dark, cold, and quiet enough for everyone to hear their heart beats. That alone made Kaidan’s muscle tense up. They each turned on their flashlights, and the usually quiet buzz from those objects were now echoing throughout the chamber. Tali, Liara, and a low-flying Glyph went to the left side of the chamber, to what looked like a dead conduit, while Kaidan and Garrus went to the right.

Garrus pointed to a scattered mess of torn wires and blackened, broken metal, “That where you found him?”

“Yeah, he was unconscious, laying in the ruins.” Kaidan looked through the rubble again, finding the spot where Shepard was. The image of the man he loved who laid burned, bloody, and barely breathing flashed in his mind again. The major shut his eyes, trying to force that memory out of his mind. And as if right on cue, he felt a headache coming on. He took a deep breath, and continued looking through the rubble. Between two of the beams, appeared to be a badly damaged pistol. With strained effort, he tried to reach for it, but it turned out to be way farther than he first thought.

“Interesting,” Garrus’s voice was distant as he studied the pieces of glass surrounding the damaged power conduit. “Looks like when this, uh, what I assume is a power source was destroyed, it made the Crucible fire.”

“Looks like,” The major used his biotics to pull the gun towards him, and examined it. There was one bullet left in it, but it looked to be completely charred.

“Was he carrying explosives?” Garrus asked.

“I think he shot it until it exploded.”

The turian turned around, and Kaidan showed him the pistol. Garrus gave an appreciative nod, “That…sounds about right. When Shepard wants something destroyed, he really wants it destroyed.”

“Did you find anything?”

Garrus shook his head, “Nothing but debris and dead wires. I can’t even find out how this place is connected to the rest of the Citadel.”

Kaidan sighed and nodded, “Didn’t find much either. We should probably go back down, tell Hackett this place is safe enough to send people to study.”

They headed over to Tali and Liara, who were looking over a second, untouched and eerily clean, conduit on the other side of the chamber. Tali stuck her head into the dead conduit, and began scanning.

“Tali, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Liara said with her hand out, ready to pull Tali back in case something goes wrong.

“There’s no power coming from this place, I think we’re good to poke around.” The quarian stepped back and put her hands on her hips, “We probably won’t end up in a bubble.”

Liara rolled her eyes at that, “We also don’t want to risk bringing the Reapers back to life, if that’s even possible. According to Glyph’s scans, this wasn’t the Citadel’s main power source, but a power source nonetheless.”

“My hypothesis is that this place was the Reaper’s power source.” Tali said, “And what gave the Crucible power to shut them off.” 

“Makes sense,” Garrus said, “Once that conduit over there was destroyed, it shut the Reapers off.”

“But it also took EDI, the geth, and even Glyph and Avina with it.” Tali’s shoulders drooped as she said that, “Makes me wonder if the Crucible was first built to destroy all synthetics, not just the Reapers.”

“Do you think Shepard knew that?” Liara asked.

“No,” Kaidan said firmly, “None of us knew what exactly would happen. The whole galaxy just poured resources into a machine we hoped would take out the Reapers.”

“True,” Tali continued, “Besides, I don’t think we’ll know exactly what happened here until Shepard wakes up.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan said quietly, “Alright, let’s…let’s head back down.”

As the group headed toward the platform, Glyph suddenly sped toward the back of the chamber, past the entrance. He bounced up and down to get the group’s attention, before scanning to what looked like a plain, white box that blended in with the rest of the chamber.

“Glyph?” Liara chased after the VI, “What is it?”

As she reached Glyph, her omni-tool turned on, causing her to stop and look while the rest of the group continued toward the box. “Wait,” she said quickly, “According to Glyph, this is some sort of power box. We need to turn it on.”

The VI scanned the box, and the console flickered off and on. Liara went from tapping at the console to her omni-tool in an attempt to glean any information from the box. No matter what she tried, each path she took in an attempt to connect with console lead to increasingly frustrating error messages. Suddenly, the console shut itself off, and the asari let out a frustrated sigh, “Oh, never mind! I’ll deal with this later.” 

The group turned to leave, while Glyph stayed and scanned the box one last time. Loud static filled the chamber, causing everyone to stop in their place. They looked back toward the box and the VI, as the static faded to let two distorted voices be heard. 

“…are the solution…”

Everyone stared at Glyph with eyes wide, mouths open, and completely silent. 

“Your solution is flawed.”

“That’s…Shepard,” Garrus managed to say.

“All…will…your children will build….”

“And what sounds like… a kid?” Kaidan said, moving even closer to Glyph, who was now still as the message continued.

“I can’t make that choice.”

“Why not? Synthetics…”

The static and the voices stopped suddenly, and the usual silence of the chamber now felt jarring. Everyone stood frozen and exchanged glances. Kaidan felt his stomach sink, and muscles   
tighten. Whatever that voice was, he knew it couldn’t mean anything good.

———-

Two months later, Commander Julian Shepard had finally awoke in a Mexico City hospital. It was slow at first. He heard only the beeping of the machines, the ventilation kick on and off, and the muffled words of the doctors who came into his room. When his eyes finally opened, he was first struck by a bright, white light that hurt at first. Then his surroundings became clearer, and he felt everything from the cold of the room, to the hard bed beneath him.

He could see daylight coming in through a window in his periphery, but when he tried to turn his head, he was hit with a wall of nausea that made him groan. His teeth clenched as he laid completely still, waiting for the feeling to leave. Next to him, a machine whirred to life, and after a few seconds, the nausea was gone, and he relished in the brief moment of relief. After taking a deep breath, he mentally scanned, feeling for any pain. There was none, but he couldn’t move his arms and legs. Or if he could, he certainly didn’t feel it, and as a result, he could feel panic begin to set in.

In an effort to distract himself, he turned his head to look out the window. The sun was high, and the sky was clear, but beneath that were torn and toppled buildings. Some of which looked to be still smoking. It reminded him too much of the day he landed in London for the final push against the Reapers, and he shut his eyes. But now, he could hear what sounded like music. It was distant, but it sounded lively. Happy. That did make him feel a bit better.

The door to his room slid open, and a salarian and human doctor come in. The salarian carried a data pad, and looked to be annoyed. The human doctor appeared to be female with light brown skin, dark hair, tired eyes, but an assuring smile on her face. She approached the side of the bed, and looked down at him.

“Buenos días, Commander,” she said in low, soothing voice, “glad to see you’re awake.”

He tried to reply, but only a pathetic wheeze came from him.

She smirked, “Pleased to meet you too. Take it easy, Commander, your body’s been asleep for awhile. I’m Dr. Martinez, this is Dr. Pol. She and I will be taking care of you while you’re here.”

Dr. Pol smiled and nodded, before going back to her data pad.

“Can you move your arms and legs, Commander?” Dr. Martinez asked.

Julian took a deep breath, and tried to move. There was still no feeling, but he saw Dr. Martinez nod, which felt like a good sign.

“Thank you, Commander.” She looked over to Dr. Pol who also nodded and made a note.

He wanted to try and speak again, tell her that he couldn’t feel anything, and the panic was getting little difficult to manage. With as much strength as he could gather, he was able to make a pained grunt that made both doctors look at him.

“C…can’t,” he could only whisper.

“Can’t talk?” Asked Dr. Martinez.

Well, yes that, but that’s not exactly what was concerning. He lazily shook his head, and managed to whisper, “Feel.”

“Ah, that’s the medication,” Dr. Pol said quickly, “For that, and the reason you can’t talk. You were horrifically burned when you came in, so we got you on some heavy pain meds. Plus, you are waking from a two month coma.”

Julian only sighed. The doctor spoke a little too fast, and only a few of her words stuck. Dr. Martinez gave him another reassuring smile, “Once you wake up a bit, you’ll start getting feeling back in your body.”

The commander let out another pained noise, before whispering something. Something he wasn’t even sure he said. He must’ve said something, however, because Dr. Martinez cocked her head to the side, “I’m sorry, Commander, I didn’t understand that.”

Suddenly, he felt pain in his throat, and wondered if he should try again. With a deep breath, he whispered clearly, “Alenko.”

“Uh, Alenko?”

“Major Alenko,” Dr. Pol said, “You know, the second human Spectre?”

Dr. Martinez’s eyes widened with recognition, “Oh! Him! Yes, I remember now. He came in with Shepard. What about him?”

“The commander probably wants to see him.”

Julian groaned, and Dr. Martinez agreed, “We can send him a message when we’re done here. I’m sure he’ll be happy to see you’re awake. Is there anyone else you’d like us to contact?”

Dr. Pol chuckled, “Just send a message out to the entire crew of the Normandy. And tell them to bring extra bandages and sleep aids, while you’re at it.”

Julian slightly moved his hand up, at this point, just hoping they would understand what he was trying to say. Dr. Martinez smiled widely, “Will do! Now, let’s get you some water, and we’ll let you rest some more.”

———

It took a few days before Kaidan was able to make it down to the hospital. Something he was frustrated about, as he’d been tasked with everything from helping survivors, to delivering supplies, and even cleaning and rebuilding efforts with little down time. Yet during that time, all he could think about was Julian. If he was ok, how much he was sleeping, what he was thinking about. He heard from Dr. Pol that Julian was drinking and eating on his own, but was having trouble with staying focused, and would become irritated if awake for too long.

After an exhausted nurse gave him Julian’s room number, he decided to stop by the hospital gift shop. Unfortunately, it had mostly been cleaned out, but he managed to snag a bottle of premium whiskey and stuffed varren with large, cutesy black eyes and little pink tongue sticking out. It was cheesy, but may get a smile out of the commander.

When he entered the room, Julian’s head faced the window, laying completely still as if he hadn’t heard the door open. From the waist down, he was covered in a white blanket, and the top half that was exposed was nearly covered in bandages. The only parts that weren’t covered were his head, face, neck and fingers, yet Kaidan could see the newly formed scars from the door. 

He cleared his throat, “Shepard?”

Julian slowly turned to look at him, eyes half open, chuckling when he saw the stuffed varren in Kaidan’s hand. “That’s cute, K.”

Kaidan placed the gifts on the table next to the bed, “How are you feeling?”

“Like I got hit by a Reaper.” Julian’s words were slightly slurred. 

Kaidan frowned at that, causing Julian to force a chuckle. “I’m ok. They got me heavily medicated right now.”

The major gently placed a hand on Julian’s cheek, making the commander smile and lean into his touch. “At least you’re not in pain right now,” he said softly.

“I missed you,” Julian said, caressing Kaidan’s forearm, “How have you been?”

Kaidan’s lips narrowed, “Ok. Or as ok as I can be. I’ve mostly been helping out with finding survivors…bodies, and with some reconstruction efforts.”

Julian looked away from him, “How bad is it out there?”

Kaidan was quiet for a moment, moving to hold Julian’s hand, and squeezing it like it’s the only thing keeping him afloat, “We’re…working on it. The Charon relay is back up and running, but fixing the other relays is kind of a priority right now. Any non-human fleets can’t really get back home without straining their eezo supply.”

Julian frowned, his chest tightened, “The relays were destroyed, huh?”

Kaidan heard a slight crack in Julian’s voice, and caressed his neck in an effort to soothe him, “Damaged, not destroyed. We didn’t know what the Crucible would do, Shepard. You didn’t know.”

Julian’s eyes closed, and he found himself fighting the lump that was forming in his throat,“I’m…responsible for it.”

Kaidan shook his head, “No, and technically, we’re all responsible for it. Don’t beat yourself up about this. Yeah, it came at a high cost. But we knew that once we saw what the Reapers were capable of.” He cupped the commander’s chin, “And they’re gone, Shepard. There’s peace now.”

Julian took a deep, slow breath, and managed to pull himself together, “How’s everyone on the Normandy?”

Kaidan hesitated. Julian deserved to know about EDI and the Geth, but after seeing how upset he was at the relays, maybe now wasn’t the best time. “Uh, good. Everyone’s good. The Normandy   
itself needs repairs, but the crew came out unharmed.”

Then the words: You idiot! crossed his mind.

Julian gave him a weak smile, “Good. Your family ok?”

“Yeah, thankfully. Well, uh, my mom is. She’s still up at the orchard.”

“Nothing about your dad?”

“No,” Kaidan looked down, and Julian squeezed his hand. “Look, Shepard, there’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you.”

Julian let out a quiet groan, “Go ahead,”

Kaidan chuckled seeing Julian’s eyes were now barely open, “Maybe I should tell you another time, you look like you’re falling asleep.”

“No, tell me. I’m listening, just…really, really tired.”

Kaidan nodded, “Alright. So, after what mom’s been through, I’d like to stay with her for awhile. Especially, since-uh….Anyway, after all we’ve been through, I was wondering if you’d like to come live at the orchard.”

Julian snickered, “Asking me to move in and meet your mom? You must really like me.”

Kaidan laughed, “Yeah, I think you’re alright. It’s not like I love you or anything.”

Julian gave him a wide grin, “I love you, too.”

Kaidan brought Julian’s hand up to his lips, and kissed it, “So, what do you say?”

“Your mom ok with me moving in?”

“Yeah, she is. Excited even.”

Julian didn’t even think it over, weighing any pros and cons, just responded with a content, “Yes. I’d love too.”

The major’s eyes lit up, and he had to refrain form bouncing up and down, “Really? That makes me so happy! You’ll love it up there, Shepard. It’s quiet, surrounded by nature, there’s a nice sized house on the property. It’ll be perfect for you.”

“That sounds wonderful, Kaidan,” Julian felt his eyelids getting heavy, but he didn’t want Kaidan to leave yet, “You need to break me out now.”

Kaidan chuckled, “You have no idea how tempted I am, but you got some more healing to do. I gotta get going.”

“No, don’t leave me,” Julian moaned.

Kaidan kissed his cheek, “Sleep, Julian. And whenever you need me to come back, just send me a text.”

“Will do.”

“Bye and get some rest. Love you.”

“Love you, too.”


	2. Walking Over Glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 - While Kaidan and Liara hear more of an unsettling message take from the Citadel Chamber, Shepard gets a much welcome visitor, and gets surprised with bad news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, a second chapter. Late, because I felt like I needed to make this a masterpiece. Stopped myself before I decided to scrap this work entirely. ANYWAY! This chapter gets a little dark, but chapter 3 will be a cozy one to make up for it. Enjoy!

Two weeks had passed, and not only was Commander Shepard wide awake, he wanted to leave. Every morning he awoke from a nightmare into a cold, uncomfortable hospital room, and every morning he thought about waking up in a king sized bed, covered in soft blankets, and curled up in the arms of the man he loved. He sat up on the hospital bed, and it loudly squeaked under him. Damn, he couldn’t wait to get out of here.

The burns, the cuts, and the bullet wound on his shoulder had healed nicely by now. Ok, maybe not as nicely as he hoped. The right side of his torso and his right thigh took the most damage from the Harbinger’s laser, and as a result, had to be fixed with synthetic skin. Glancing down at the synthetic skin, he wasn’t able to see much of a difference. It was the same medium brown as his natural skin, and moved the way skin was supposed to as he stretched, but when he touched those areas, it felt like he was touching someone else. 

Throwing off the thin blanket, he examined his legs. His skin was scarred, rough feeling, and surprisingly, quite painful to the touch. He pulled back, waiting for the pain to fade away. So, maybe he hadn’t healed as much as he thought. With a long sigh, he sat back and did what he has done every day since waking up, look out the window, and see Mexico City rise from being rubble to being covered in scaffolding.

Dr. Pol opened the window for him this time, and he knew only because she loved the music being played for the reconstruction crews. 

“I love what you humans call ‘ranchero’ music,” she said to him once, “Helps me concentrate!”

It was the same with his mother, Hannah. While he never listened to much music on his own, he remembered when Hannah played music from her childhood in Mexico whenever she had a bad day, or needed to focus on something. He even liked when she had it on low as he was falling asleep, because it meant she was going to be there tomorrow, and he wouldn’t wake up alone in their room. 

Those memories lead him to turn on his omni-tool to play music, until he got a an Error No Extranet Connection. Oh. Right. He remembered being told that the hospital currently didn’t have extranet access at the moment. Something he thought was bullshit, but grudgingly accepted it. He probably shouldn’t look at the news right now anyway. 

Instead, he turned his attention to the outside world. The sun was out, the sky was clear, and a cool breeze brought the smell of food and the sounds of construction into his room. Despite the city itself still looking like smoking ruins, the signs of life and celebration allowed him to feel more hopeful about the future. 

His door slid open with that familiar hissing noise, but instead of doctors and nurses, two familiar faces came in. Urdnot Wrex and Bakara, who was holding a half-awake krogan baby wrapped in a light green blanket.

“Shepard!” Wrex yelled loud enough to shake the room.

“Commander,” Bakara greeted calmly, “It’s good to see you well.”

He gave them a both a smile, “Wrex. Bakara. Good to see you both. And who’s this?”

Bakara walked up to him, allowing him to get a closer look at the baby, “This is Mordin, the first krogan child born after the genophage was cured.”

Mordin studied her environment with big, honey colored eyes, and an open smiled that revealed a row of tiny teeth. Once Julian made eye contact with her, she began whining and reaching out for him.

Wrex laughed, “She knows a hero when she sees one!”

Julian smiled, “That, or she wants to beat me up.”

“Would you like to hold her?” Bakara asked.

“If you’re ok with it, then yeah, sure.” He hoped krogan babies were not as aggressive as the adults.

Julian steadied himself, as little Mordin was very gently placed in his arms. She was heavier than he thought, feeling he was holding a bowling ball in his arms. The blanket around her was made of a thick fabric, yet he could still feel her scales poking through. Her arms reached out toward his face, and not realizing the mistake he’s about to make, he lets her grab one of his fingers. The little krogan let out a happy coo, before squeezing his finger.

“Ow…” He whispered, though she didn’t seem to notice, but Wrex let out a chuckle, while Bakara pressed her hands together, looking on cheerfully.

“Were you this cute when you were baby, Wrex?” He shot Wrex a mischievous smile, “Or were you always this ugly?”

Wrex let out a boisterous laugh, “Hey, I was even cuter! Before I learned how to fight for my life, I was as cute as baby pyjak!”

“I find that hard to believe, old man.”

“Watch it, Shepard. I know your mother’s still alive, and I can ask her for embarrassing baby pictures of you at anytime.”

The Commander laughed, “And she would show you, too.”

“Damn, it’s good to see you, Shepard.” Wrex showed some rare emotion there.

“It’s great to see you both. I’m glad you survived, and brought this cutie into the world,” He turned his attention back Mordin. When he looked into her eyes, for a fleeting moment, he felt a familiar presence. Like a draft from a window, he felt as if her namesake Mordin Solus was in the room for a moment. And of course, this was the moment when a lump begin forming in his throat.

“Mordin would’ve loved her,” He said, trying to make sure his voice didn’t crack. At least, not in front of Wrex.

“I think so, too,” Bakara placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, “And I’ll make sure she grows up knowing about the salarian who sacrificed himself to save our race.”

In an attempt to hold back some emotion, Julian handed Mordin back to Bakara. “Thanks for bringing her. Never got to see a krogan baby before, and I’m glad I did.”

Mordin protested a bit, but Bakara was able to get her back without much issue. “I’m glad you got to see her. And we thought you needed to see something good after we heard about your friend EDI.”

Julian’s face fell. “What do you mean?”

The two krogan froze, like they had just been caught in a lie. Julian’s eyes were darting between the two, waiting for an answer.

“You don’t know what happened?” Wrex asked.

“Obviously not! What happened to her?” Julian’s breathing got heavier, feeling a pain rise in his chest.

“Oh, uh,” Wrex cleared his throat, “After the Crucible fired, not only did it knock out the Reapers, it took out EDI and the geth too.”

Julian fell silent, not even his breathing was heard. He began to rub the blanket between his fingers and focus on the music that was streaming in from outside, in a rather feeble attempt to ground himself. At this point, he wanted them to leave so he could process the news, and demand Kaidan get here as quickly as possible. There had to be reason why he lied, right? At least that’s what Julian told himself.

“I’m sorry, Commander,” Bakara said, placing a hand on his shoulder once again, “We thought you knew.”

“I-I didn’t,” Julian said slowly, “But thank you for telling me.”

—————————

The Normandy was currently stationed around Earth’s orbit, resting after what felt like non-stop work for her crew. For now, all but one were asleep. Kaidan sat in the mess hall, face down on the cold steel of the table, and fighting a now two hour long headache. As much pain as he was in, he was grateful for the only noise being that low hum of the ship. Most of the crew have gone to Earth, and their alien allies went back to help their respective planets. And now, on a ship that is mostly used to delivery supplies, there was only him, Joker, James, Traynor, and Cortez.

He heard footsteps coming towards, but didn’t bother to move, figuring it was someone coming from the crew quarter’s. Until the person spoke.

“Major?” Liara whispered, after seeing his state. She grew familiar with him enough to know when to be quiet. 

“Hey, Liara.” Kaidan groaned, his voice muffled.

“Are you alright?”

He slowly lifted his head, looking vaguely in her direction, “Fine. How’d you get on here?”

“Joker let me in through the shuttle bay,” she sat down across from him. 

“Oh. Thought he was asleep.”

“He’s awake, although it sounds like he hasn’t slept in awhile.”

“Yeah, well,” Kaidan rested his head in his hands, “We all have sleep troubles right now.” After a moment of quiet, the major took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Liara. What’d you need?”

“I wanted to update you on something. That message we heard in that chamber above the Citadel Tower, I believe it can help us understand what went on before the Reapers were destroyed.” 

“Have you heard anything about the Reapers? Are they turned off? Dead?”

“Yes, I believe that’s the preferred term. No signals, noises, nothing is coming from them ever since the Crucible fired.”

That managed to get a sigh of relief from him, “Ok, there’s the good news. So, what did you find?”

“More of the that conversation. And it’s not pleasant,” The asari pulled up her omni-tool, and two voices began streaming from it.

_“I need to stop the Reapers, do you know how I can do that?”_

_“Perhaps. I control the Reapers. They are my solution.”_

_“Solution? To what?”_

_“Chaos. The created will always rebel against their creators. But we found a way to stop that from happening, a way to restore order.”_

_“By wiping out organic life?”_

_“No. We harvest advanced civilizations, leaving the younger ones alone. Just as we left your people alive the last time we were here.”_

_“But you killed the rest.”_

_“We helped them ascend so they could make way for new life, storing the old life in Reaper form.”_

_“I think we’d rather keep our own form.”_

_“No you can’t. Without us to stop it, synthetics would destroy all organics. We’ve created the cycle so that never happens. That’s the solution.”_

_“You said you’re the Catalyst, but...what are you?”_

_“A construct. An intelligence designed eons ago to solve a problem. I was created to bring balance, to be the Catalyst for peace between organics and synthetics.”_

_“So you’re just an AI?”_

_In as much as you are just an animal. I embody the collective intelligence of all Reapers._

_“But you were created…”_

Liara quickly tapped away at the holographic screen of her omni-tool, “That’s where the first file ends, but there’s more. Hold on.”

In the new silence, Kaidan realized his shoulders were up to his ears. He quickly lowered them, but as more static was heard and voices poking through, every muscle in his body tensed up again.

_“…make our own choices. You take that away, and we might as well be machines.”_

_“You have choice. More than you know. The fact that you are standing here, the first organic ever, proves it. But it also proves my solution won’t work any more.”_

_“So now what?”_

_“We find a new solution.”_

_“Why are you telling me this? Why help me?”_

_“You have altered the variables.”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“The Crucible changed me, created new... possibilities. But I can’t make them happen. If there is to be a new solution, you must act.”_

Once the audio stopped, Liara looked over at Kaidan, awaiting a response. Thing was, he had no idea what to say. He of course knew the Reapers were, by all accounts, sentient, but the fact that there may have been an AI controlling those things chilled him to the core.

Kaidan forced that thought out of his mind and cleared his throat. “So, do you know who he’s talking to? Or what they’re talking about?”

Liara shrugged, “The working theory is the child-like voice is some sort of AI. Just like Vigil on Ilos. Except it’s speaking for the Reapers, instead of the Protheans, of course. As to what they’re talking about, well, that’s where it gets uncomfortable.”

He was taken aback by how quickly she spoke, as if it didn’t phase her. Well, maybe after what they’ve all been through, he felt it shouldn’t surprise him either. 

“Yeah, that voice was talking about Reapers being the solution. I’d say that’s pretty uncomfortable.” He said, a little harsher than intended.

“And it was pushing Shepard to make a choice.”

“And he made one. Wonder what other choices he was given.”

“That’s as much as I could recover, but I suspect there’s more to be found in the chamber.”

“Are you going back there?”

Liara nodded, “I have a team there now, looking it over. I need to rejuvenate before I join them. Just thinking about it makes my head spin.”

Kaidan chuckled, “That fun, eh?”

She frowned and raised and eyebrow at that, “Not sure if that’s the word I’d use.”

“It was a joke, Liara.”

She laughed, pressing her palm against her forehead, “Right. Sorry, it’s been…a time.”

“I hear that.”

“Have you heard from Shepard?”

He nodded, “I’ve been getting updates from Dr. Martinez about him, but nothing from him, personally. Not since I last saw him, anyway.”

“He’s doing alright?”

“Yeah, fully awake now. I’m sure he’d like a visit.”

Liara looked down, and Kaidan caught a glimpse of guilt. “I’ve been meaning to see him, but then something more pressing comes to my attention.”

“Liara, take a break. Go see him, when you got time. I know I need to go see him again.” 

“I’ll do that. I need to stop by Earth, anyway.”

She stood up, turning to leave, “Goodbye, Kaidan.” 

“See you around. And thanks for stopping by.”

As soon as she left, Kaidan stood up, about to head to the crew quarters in hopes of getting at least a few hours of sleep, until a quiet chime came from his wrist. He brought up his omni-toll, and couldn’t help but smile, when he saw a message from Julian.

—————————

With a bottle of whiskey in hand, Kaidan entered Julian’s room to see his lover staring out the window. As is his thing. But he waited for a moment, seeing a calm expression and small smile on Julian’s face. 

“Hey, Shepard,”

Julian looked over at him, and his smile grew, “Hey, I missed you.”

Kaidan placed the bottle on the table, after which Julian pulled him into a tight hug. The Commander buried his face in the other man’s shoulder, savoring the moment and the all too familiar metallic scent of those stationed on the Normandy. He lifted his head, and his lips met the Major’s in a kiss that made both men cling to each other. Ignoring the dull ache coming from the places where Kaidan touched him, Julian instead focused on the warmth and comfort that only Kaidan seemed to bring. A feeling he sorely missed.

Kaidan broke the kiss, but his lips made their way to Julian’s ear, where he whispered, “I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Are you doing alright?”

He let Kaidan pull away from him, feeling the cold air of the room bring him back to reality, “I’m doing alright. Still in pain, but I’m alive.”

“Are they giving you pain meds?” Kaidan asked as he pulled up a chair, and holding Julian’s hand after he got comfortable.

“They are, but…I don’t know, it’s just pain. Docs say my burns are healed, but my skin is just sensitive right now.”

The Major’s lips thinned and his shoulders slumped, “I’ll…try not to touch you so much.”

Julian sighed, but still had to grin at Kaidan’s concern, “Thanks, K. I’ll be fine, it’s just pain from healing.” 

“I’m just glad you’re fully awake now. You remember me asking you to move with me on the orchard?”

The Commander nodded, a smile forming when he thought it. “I do, and I still want to,”

Kaidan creased his brow. “I’m sensing a ‘but’ there.”

“There is no ‘but’, I’m definitely moving after you told me how quiet it is.”

“And the alcohol. There’s also a fireplace, warm blankets, Mom’s Singaporean cooking….”

Julian groaned, “Stop, you’re gonna make me break out of this place.”

Kaidan chuckled at that, and brought Julian’s hand to his lips, “I’m tempted to break you out. Can you walk?”

“Not really,” Julian slowly shook his head, “Not very far, anyway. I get a few steps, and then my legs start burning all over again.”

The Major leaned closer to him, smirking, “Well then, I’ll call down Steve, carry you out of the hospital, and we’ll fly off into the Vancouver sunset.”

He let out a curt laugh, “Yeah, and then we’ll get hundreds of messages from the doctors, from Hackett…from my mother, about how irresponsible that was”.

“Hey, it’s all apart of that romantic life, right?”

Julian smiled, crinkling his nose at the Major. The men gazed at each other for a moment, until Kaidan broke that gaze and ran a hand through his hair, “So, uh, it this why you wanted me to visit? Your message was a little concerning.”

The Commander took a deep breath, “Kinda, I wanted to see you, but…I want to know why you lied to me.”

Kaidan cocked his head and narrowed his eyes, “Lie to you? Why would I lie-oh,” His head dropped, “About EDI.”

“And the geth.”

Kaidan got quiet. That concerning quiet that Julian knew meant he was in deep thought, and he gave him time to think about his answer. He squeezed the Major’s hand in attempt to bring him some comfort.

“I…I saw how upset you were when I told you the relays were damaged,” The Major said slowly, still looking down at the floor, “and I thought that telling you about EDI, and the geth would make you even more uspet. And since you were already in pain, and waking up from a coma, I thought that news would add more stress.”

Julian nodded, “I see.”

A part of him figured that was the reason. Kaidan wasn’t the type to lie to cause harm. Even little white lies were something the man was incapable of.

Kaidan finally looked him in the eye, “And when you asked me, I panicked. And I shouldn’t have lied to you, I know, but I just didn’t want you to hurt again.”

Julian nodded again, and thought over his words. He remembered when Kaidan told him about the relays, and how his chest hurt over the news. While no anger was felt at the lie or the answer fo it, he still felt frustrated at both his reaction to the news in the first place, and the feeling that Kaidan was going to handle him like he was made of glass.

He took a deep, gradual breath and spoke, “Thank you, Kaidan. For apologizing and telling me. Maybe it is better you told me later, but I wish I knew before Wrex blew it for me.”

“Wrex told you?”

“Well, Bakara did, technically. She and Wrex brought in Mordin, their daughter.”

Kaidan let out a breathy laugh, “Damn, you cure the genophage without me, and of course, you see a baby krogan before I did.”

Julian mentally kicked himself for not getting a pic, “She was adorable. I’ll ask them to bring her for like a housewarming party or something.”

“I’d like that. Maybe we’ll see some more adorable alien babies in the future.”

He shrugged, “Maybe. I need to see a baby quarian before I die.”

“So, are you…um, do you forgive me?” Kaidan said, rather quickly.

Julian smiled and squeezed his hand, “Of course I do, I was never mad at you, I just assumed there was a reason. We’re good, Kaidan. But, I would like you to just tell me. Even if it hurts, I want to face it, and deal with it.”

“Better now, than later?”

“Exactly.” 

Kaidan nodded, “Then I’ll tell you straight up, from now on.”

“Thank you. While you’re here, anymore bad news I need to know about?”

Kaidan leaned back in the chair, and Julian could see that metaphorical little rain cloud appearing over his head, “There’s a lot of bad news. You sure you want to hear it now?”

“It’s ok, Kaidan. If this gives me a breakdown, I’m already in a place with plenty of doctors and meds.”

“In that case, I got a couple things to tell you.”

Julian let out a long sigh, “Oh no….”

“It can wait, Shepard. I don’t want to kick you when you’re down,” The Major rubbed the back of his neck, “Uh, so to speak.”

Julian stretched out his hand for Kaidan to take, “No, tell me. Rip the bandaid off. So to speak.”

“Alright well, you should know the council is dead.”

A harsh laugh suddenly escaped from Julian, causing him to close his hand over his mouth, and Kaidan’s eyes to widened. As surprised as he was, he was also relieved to hear the news. He felt free, even. 

He looked over Kaidan to see the shocked expression, and quickly composed himself, “Sorry, Kaidan. I know this is going to sound callous, but after all the shit they’ve thrown me, it kinda feels like a relief.”

“It does, I mean, uh,” Kaidan cleared his throat, “It sounds like that, but I heard how they treated you before. I’d be pissed too.”

Julian crossed his arms, “Yeah. It’s gonna take a bit to get over that. Alright, what else?”

“Other than the Citadel still damaged, only a couple relays are working, and every city on every planet is still smoking.” Kaidan said offhandedly.

“Ugh!” Julian grabbed the flat pillow from behind his head, and put it over his face, “Kaidan, what am I going to do?”

The Major chuckled, “You’re going to rest, and heal. That’s what you’re going to do. Don’t worry about anything else.” 

Julian threw the pillow at him, “Easier said than done.” 

Kaidan put the pillow back behind him, and kissed him again, “Well, when you get home, there’s gonna be a comfy bed for you. It’ll be hard to worry when you’re comfortable.”

The Commander smiled, “I hope so. As long as you’re around, I think I can relax.”

“Good, because I know I need some rest.”

“Working hard out there?”

“Every damn day.”

Julian leaned forward, caressing Kaidan’s arm, “Wish I could come with you.”

“That day is coming, Shepard. Just focus on healing.”

“I’ll have Dr. Martinez put me to sleep until then.”

“You’ll be out before you know it. I’ll see you then, Shepard.”

The men gazed at each other for a good few seconds, before Kaidan managed to pull himself away, and leave.


End file.
